Cake

 Keep cake moist by eating it all in one sitting. 

Roman Numerals

 I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in roman numerals. 

 I'm Livid.

Talking

 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along.

I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

Squat

 

The fitnesss trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" 

I said, "Diddly".

Just Once

 

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough".
 

Headache Cure

 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
 

Breakfast in Bed

My wife said I can have breakfast in bed anytime I want it.  All I have to do is sleep in the kitchen.

Pants

                 

If liar pants did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

Buck

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.                                   

Knocking

 I always knock on the fridge before I open it.  Just in case there's a salad dressing.   

Future

The future isn't what it used to be.

Hearing Symptoms

 "I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I replied, 'Sure. They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.'"  

          

Drama

The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.    

Temptation

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).            

The World

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Absent Minded

 

 

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.              

Threating People

Apparently when you threat people like they treat you, they get upset.

Rules of life

The three unwritten rules of life:  

   1.
   2.
   3.

Typewriters, Monkeys and Shakespeare

Legend has it that an infinite number of monkeys sitting at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.    

A recent archeological dig was finished at historic Stratford-upon-Avon.

They found many typewriters and many, many, more monkey skeletons.

Two Points

The shortest distance between two points is usually under repair.