Truth

The truth is the safest lie.

Life is Short

Life is short. 

Smile while you still have teeth. 

Staight Face

 

A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.

Be Calm

You cannot wait for an untroubled world to have an untroubled moment. The terrible phone call, the rainstorm, the sinister knock on the door—they will all come. Soon enough arrive the treacherous villain and the unfair trial and the smoke and the flames of the suspicious fires to burn everything away. In the meantime, it is best to grab what wonderful moments you find lying around.

    ~   Lemony Snicket, Shouldn’t You Be in School?   ~

Thinking

Don't think too much.  You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

Dance

Dance like no one's watching.  Encrypt like everyone is. 

LIfe Tip

Life Tip:

When nothing goes right; go to bed.

Housekeeping Tip

Today's Housekeeping Tip:

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."

Exercising

The best time to exercise is in the morning.  Do it before your brain figures out what you're really doing.

Memory Improvement

If you're trying to improve your memory, lend someone money.

Succeeding

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your wife told you to. 

Meeting New People

One of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.

RV Camping Advice

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep campsite on either side vacant.

Dog Trust

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Advice from a Tree

 Advice from a tree

Stand tall and proud.
Sink your roots into the Earth.
Be content with your natural beauty. 
Go out on a limb.
Drink plenty of water.
Remember your roots.

Fighting a Fire

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Howard the Advice Mallard:

Want your kids to sleep in on Saturday?

Tell them the first thing in the morning is cleaning their room.

Keep Calm and Chomp On

What not to say to a Cop.

-  Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged    in.
-  Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good    job.
-  You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
-  I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no    other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
-  Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44    magnum.

Boating Safety

• When buying a boat, the most important thing to remember is speed. Unless the boat goes really fast, you might not get back in time to make the payments.
• When boating, always avoid guys in cowboy hats who water-ski with a beer in each hand.
• Always slow down when you notice a lot of people standing in the water.
• In a crowded lake it may be dangerous swerving at high speeds to avoid hitting a fish.
• Never tailgate a water skier. Very few have brake lights.
• In a boat, picking up hitchhikers is okay. With today's swimsuits, you don't have to worry about concealed weapons.
• Drinking boaters may wind up with dishpan lungs.
• No matter what the sign says, whales have the right-of-way.
• Always boat defensively. Remember, the only driving test a boater has to take is whether or not the check clears.