Cheap

It's not that I'm cheap. I just hate to give money away after I've memorized the serial numbers.

Existence

Despite all our accomplishments, we owe our existence to a 6 inch layer of topsoil and the fact it rains.

Television

They've improved practically everything on television, except the programming.

Some People

Some people call me crazy. 

I prefer happy with a twist.

Psychology

You know too much psychology when you can’t get mad because you understand everyone’s reasons for doing everything.

On the other Hand

On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

    ~  Steven Wright  ~

Yourself

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.