Office New Year Party

The worst thing about the office New Year party is looking for a new job the next day.

Soda

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a bottle of soda? 

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Merry Christmas 2021

Christmas Is Built Upon A Beautiful
And Intentional Paradox;
That The Birth Of The Homeless
Should Be Celebrated In Every Home.

     ~   G.K. Chesterton  ~

Christmas Eve 2021

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.

Home for the Holidays

I'm excited to go home for the holidays because it's been exhausting finishing my own sentences all year.

Procrastinator

A procrastinator's work is never done.

Bakers

Bakers share their bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 

Friend

 

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

 

 ~   Ralph Waldo Emerson   ~  

 

Truck

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too. 

Expecting

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Forrest Gump

 What was Forrest Gump's email password?

 "1forrest1"                  

A Bridge

A picture is nothing but a bridge between the soul of the artist and that of the spectator.

     ~  Eugene Delacroix  ~

Staight Face

 

A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.

Happy Thanksgiving 2021

Happy Turkey Day!

 

Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.

Mistakes

Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called experience leads us to success.        

Retirees

Why do Retirees smile all the time?

Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

I'm Pete

"Hello, I'm Pete, a professional pickpocket."

 ..... said the man as he handed me my business card.

Diet

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
 

Veterans Day 2021

 “Civilians seldom understand that soldiers, once impressed into war, will forever take it for the ordinary state of the world, with all else illusion. The former soldier assumes that when time weakens the dream of civilian life and its supports pull away, he will revert to the one state that will always hold his heart. He dreams of war and remembers it in quiet times when he might otherwise devote himself to different things, and he is ruined for the peace. What he has seen is as powerful and mysterious as death itself, and yet he has not died, and he wonders why.”

     ~  Mark Helprin, "A Soldier of the Great War"  ~

INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT:

At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.    

Consciousness

 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.  

Appreciation

I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords. 

Dogs

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? 

It’s hardly ever for them.

Happy Halloween 2021

 What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal? 

 "Bone Appetit!"

Evil Friend

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. 

 

     ~   Buddha  ~  

 

 

Sir Lancelot

Sir Lancelot once had a very bad dream about his horse.

It was a knight mare.

Father

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 

Laugh

                        

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

    ~  Norm Papernick  ~    

Economics

 

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year. 

Wrong

No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong.

     ~   Francois de La Rochefoucauld   ~

Photographic Memory

He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

Beauty

 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 

Hearing

A study finds that hearing an opposing viewpoint causes no real harm. 

What Happens

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Musician

What did the guitar say to the musician?

"Pick on someone your own size!"

Hate It

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

Powerful Words

Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems.

Motivational Skills

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

River Valley

 Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.

Happiness

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

    ~  Benjamin Franklin  ~   

Older

The older we get the better we used to be.

Nobody

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Something Strange

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.

    ~   John A. Wheeler  ~

A Wise Man

A wise man listens to advice.

    ~   Proverbs 12:15  ~    

Horticulturists

 Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Money Talks

  Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Thoughts

  Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. 

Devil

Better the devil you know than the devil who makes you guess his name.

To Succeed in LIfe

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

    ~   Reba McEntire  ~
 

Invisible

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.