Two Lives

“We all have two lives, the second one starts when you realise you only have one.”

     ~  Confucius  ~                                             

Toy

 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Lipstick

                                  

Most lipsticks contain fish scales.

Normal People

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

     ~  Joe Ancis  ~

Conscience

A conscience is what hurts when all your other  parts feels so good.

Easily Amused

      

As I watched a dog chase its tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. 

Then I realized I was watching the dog chase its tail.

Laughing Motorcycle

 What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

 A Yamahahaha.

Law of Close Encounters

Law of Close Encounters 

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES
dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Gas Station

Have you ever seen a postal truck in a gas station?

Not Lost

If all is not lost, where is it?

Law of Random Numbers

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Crows

Did you know? Before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink at home.  

Politics

Politics:

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.  

Fashion

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

    ~  Oscar Wilde  ~

Laugh and Sleep

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

       ~  Irish Proverb  ~

Cake

 Keep cake moist by eating it all in one sitting. 

Roman Numerals

 I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in roman numerals. 

 I'm Livid.

Think

 THINK!  (It's not illegal....  YET)

Be Yourself

 

"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

 

~  Tom Masson  ~     

 

Talking

 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along.

I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

Bikers

Bikers:  living proof that you can wear leather and not look sexy.

Ocean Roar

Why does the ocean roar?

You'd roar, too, if you had that many crabs on your bottom.

    ~  Redd Foxx  ~

Work

Work hard in silence. Let success be you noise.

Loose Change

I always throw my loose change into a large vase because my mother always told me, "A penny saved is a penny urned".

Idiots

You don't learn from smart people, you learn from idiots. Watch what they do, and then don't do it.

    ~  Minnesota Fats  ~

Universe

The universe consists of two types of things: "matter" and "doesn't matter".

    ~  Sir Terry Pratchett  ~
 

Book

Every book you have ever read is just a different combination of 26 letters.
 

Squat

 

The fitnesss trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" 

I said, "Diddly".

Harp

 

Harp: a nude piano

Finding Guilt

 In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.

    ~  Bill Maher  ~

Opportunity

 

 

 

Whenever someone tells you, "This is the opportunity of a lifetime." ask if they're referring to your lifetime or theirs.

River Landing Car Show - Colfax, North Carolina

 

Magician

A magician was driving down the road ..... then he turned into a drive way. 

Seashells

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered along the beaches around the world. Maybe you've seen it.

    ~ Stephen Wright  ~

Just Once

 

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough".
 

Headache Cure

 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
 

Be Decisive

 

 

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.